


SUN WARS

by Firedjinn (RCWAK)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, 黄金の太陽 | Golden Sun Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Wars Fusion, Basically, Crack Fic, Gen, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Screenplay/Script Format, my first fanfic written way back in 2015-ish, still have the notebook somewhere
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2019-09-11 23:50:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16862317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RCWAK/pseuds/Firedjinn
Summary: Original summary: The GS cast are forced to act out/parody the original Star Wars trilogy... and aren't too happy about it. Now revised twice. Lots of randomness, mild OOC-ness and a lot of banging on the fourth wall.





	1. ACT 1

**Author's Note:**

> So uh. This is my very first fanfic from all way back when I didn't even have my own FFN account. It was... a ride. Never to be finished, of course. But I figured I'd put it up here for posterity, since FFN doesn't technically allow script format and it's probably just a matter of time before the original gets taken down.
> 
> The formatting is real wonky because the original format had to be rearranged several times, and I chose to keep the old beginning-of-chapter notes even once I'd merged chapters together, as a divider between sections. You'll probably see me repeat that several times in the actual work. It's all inside the main text, too. FFN was fun like that.

* * *

{THE PARODY BEGINS}

{SUN WARS}

{A Star Wars Parody with the cast of Golden Sun, as imagined by some random fanfiction author.}

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE: TEDDY BEARS

Firedjinn does not own Golden Sun or Star Wars, as they are respective properties of Nintendo/Camelot and Lucasfilm. They also don't own LoK, or the Meeblings games on Coolmath Games [FFN appears to have censored the original link]

In case someone here is not familiar with fanfic, they should also know that THIS IS FANFIC. It's not canon, shouldn't be treated like canon, and is not for (monetary) profit. The only gains are the honing of writing skills and the happiness from reading a nice, NON-FLAMING review. Thank you!

Firedjinn (The writer/author): Hey, um... muses? Hello?

Alex: [Warping in] Hello.

Firedjinn: Ugh, not you. How'd I even get you as a muse, anyway?

Alex: Um... [weird face] ... I'm not... actually... sure...

Firedjinn: On second thought, if you don't remember I probably don't wanna know, either. [Starts down hallway.]

Alex: Er... aren't you going to start a Golden Sun fanfiction? [Smirk] That's the Legend of Korra wing. Weyard's on the other side of the building.

Firedjinn: Oops. I guess I - wait a second, how did you know that?! You're not a mind reader! And how do you know which wing is which?!

Alex: Would you believe me if I said the Golden Sun gave me Jupiter Psynergy?

Firedjinn: Uh-huh... And the guards to the floor-plan databases were all on break at the same time.

Alex: Actually? Yes.

Firedjinn: Arg... stupid Meeblings. Can't remember WHY I got them out of that video game... I swear, if one of them does something, suddenly all the others have to-

[TIME SKIP TO END OF RANT]

Firedjinn: Where was I... oh, yeah! Golden Sun!

[Firedjinn peers into the room containing the main cast of Golden Sun. The protagonists, anyway. The antagonists are kept elsewhere to avoid fighting and wrecking the imaginary building, because even adamantium reinforcement can only stand up to so many summonings of the apocalypse. No thanks to Isaac and Felix for that.]

Sheba: Oh great. ANOTHER story.

Firedjinn: Shh! You're not supposed to know that yet!

Sheba: Your existence sort of eliminated the fourth wall. Hence my ability to reference it.

Firedjinn: What if I'm an OC instead?

Sheba: Nah. Then you'd be... different. Better you stay the author or whatever instead.

Firedjinn: Right. Anyway... NEW FANFIC EVERYONE!

Isaac: Uh...

Sheba: [Snickers]

Piers: What...?

Felix: ...

Garet: Whoa whoa whoa... WHAT?!

Ivan: Eep! Please don't turn me into a fairy! [Garet gives him a strange look] What?! It happened before!

Firedjinn: [Through a megaphone pulled from hammerspace] I REPEAT, I AM WRITING ANOTH-

Jenna: [Looms behind Firedjinn with a fireball in her hand] No you're not!

Mia: [Prepares an Ice Missile] Nobody's writing ANYTHING unless it's a Mudshippi-

Jenna: TRAITOR!

[The girls begin fighting, scorching and freezing the room simultaneously.]

Firedjinn: Hey, stoppit! [Psynergy seals appear over both girls' heads.]

Ivan: Dang! That was our last defense!

Piers: Last defense? Since when did we have a last defense... ?

Ivan: We have lots of things you don't know about.

Piers: Like Mr. Snuffles...?

Ivan: Hey! [Glances around] Garet! _You_ told him, didn't you!

Garet: [Laughing] How could I resist? I mean, come on! It's a TEDDY BEAR!

Firedjinn: All right, enough with the drama. In fact, forget drama! This is humor!

Isaac: Humor... ?

Firedjinn: Yes. Get used to it.

Mia: [Restraining Jenna, who looks like she wants to bash someone's head in] So...what's the story, then?

Firedjinn: A parody of Star Wars. I call it, "Sun Wars".

Sheba: How _very_ original...

Firedjinn: Shut up.

Isaac: Oh, Sol no...

Garet: What the heck is Star Wars?

Ivan: [Reading Firedjinn's mind] Not good news for us! [Silently shares it with Sheba, who grimaces.]

Firedjinn: [Evil smile ] So, here's the casting and scripts...

[Firedjinn passes out some packets of scripts, once again using a handy little reality-bending trick known as 'hammerspace'.]

Ivan: [Stares at his script as if it might bite him]

Jenna: I'm... a princess!? [Squeals a little]

Isaac: You just gave me this role because I'm blond and move stuff with my mind, didn't you?

Firedjinn: Yup!

Garet: Woo...k...i..ee... [pause] What's a Wookiee?

Sheba: Oh no, there is NO WAY I'm gonna talk in little bleeps all through this story!

Felix: ... [Sweatdrop] An old hermit... ?

Piers: Please don't tell me I have to sing...

Firedjinn: Well, not at the moment, but I could always add some singing if you'd -

Everyone Else: NO!

Firedjinn: Okay. Places! Places!

Sheba: Wait! Why is there only eight of us here? Aren't there more people in the cast?

Firedjinn: There are.

Nyunpa: [Randomly appearing behind Ivan] Yoda, I am!

Ivan: [Now with the living daylights scared out of him] Where did YOU come from?!

Sheba: Okaaay... and why are both us Jupiter Adepts cast as droids?

Firedjinn: I... don't actually know... [stares at the scripts] Okay, last-second switch! Mia, you are now the protocol droid C-3PO. Ivan, you are now Wicket, the Eewok.

Ivan: The what?

Firedjinn: Eewok. Y'know, those cute little Teddy-bear creatures on Endor...

[Sheba falls over trying not to laugh. Several others do the same.]

Ivan: Whyyyy?! Why does this ALWAYS HAPPEN?!

Firedjinn: Don't worry, you don't show until the last movie. Unless you want to be a Jawa.

Ivan: Um... [reads Firedjinn's mind]... on second thought, maybe Eewoks aren't so bad? At least I um... get more screen time! Heh heh... please don't hurt me...

Firedjinn: Am I really that frightening?

Ivan: Line-stealer! Um, I mean, not that anything's wrong with that! Please don't make me be a Jawa!

Firedjinn: Hmm... yes, yes, I can work with this...

[Everyone starts slowly backing out of the room]

Firedjinn: Well, then! That went better than I thought it would. [Crazy smile] On to Scene Two!

[Cast - For those who want to know EXACTLY who is who]

Luke Skywalker: Isaac [See his comment above.]

Leia Organa: Jenna [To discourage Valeshipping.]

C-3PO: Mia [To discourage Mudshipping.]

R2-D2: Sheba [D'awww...]

Han Solo: Piers [Don't Ask.]

Chewbacca: Garet [It works, okay?!]

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Felix [Having a little TOO much fun here... though I almost used Kraden instead. This may change later.]

Wicket: Ivan [As mentioned above. He almost became a Jawa, but I'm not sure what he was so scared of...]

Yoda: Nyunpa [He even TALKS like Yoda sometimes!]

Darth Vader: Saturos [And that's why I hope I never reach The Empire Strikes Back... _that_ 'll be awkward... ]

Emperor Palpatine: Alex [He IS the big string-pulling badguy, after all.]

Emperor's Guard #1: Karst [She likes the color red...]

Stormtrooper #1: Menardi [Sorry.]

Jabba the Hutt: Agatio [No comment.]

Menardi: A _STORM TROOPER_?! Are you KIDDING?! Firedjinn, get over here so I can -

Firedjinn: Oi, calm down!

Menardi: Gr...

Firedjinn: No, really. Calm down. I have an offer.

Menardi: And that is...?

Firedjinn: [Whispering] If I do a Clone Wars parody, you can be Ventress. I'll make Karst play a good guy... or maybe a battle droid.

Menardi: Hmm... call it a deal?

Firedjinn: R-right... deal.

Menardi: Karst is gonna be so jealous... WAIT! You ARE making a Clone Wars parody eventually, right? You didn't just make it up... did you... ? [Lights one hand on fire]

Firedjinn: Erm... yeah. I will... [muttering] darn Psynergy seals aren't working...

Menardi: Okay! [Smiles like a little kid] You can go now! [Skips out of the room]

Firedjinn: Well... that was weird.

Sheba: READ! AND! REVIEW! READ! AND! REVIEW! READ! AND! REVIEW!

{END OF SCENE ONE}

* * *

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO: THE CRAWL

I don't own Golden Sun* or Star Wars! If I did, why would I write this on FFN? It's called _fan_ fiction for a reason. Anyhoo... This is fanfic, has virtually nothing to do with canon -

Jenna: What's canon?

\- and I make no profit from writing it except for sharpening my skills as an 'author' and the happy "SQUEE!" moments when I find a friendly review. Unless you didn't guess already, I LOVE GETTING REVIEWS!

Karst: THAT'S RIGHT! REVIEW OR DIEEEEE!

Umm... well, not THAT much. Anyway, it's not meant as copyright infringement, and if you want a longer rant about I have one somewhere I can post in the next scene. Just say so if you want to see it. Enjoy!

*Unless you mean a physical copy of the game. Even then, I only have the first two game cartidges.

[A long, long time ago...]

[In a galaxy far, far away...]

Mia: What's a galaxy?

Firedjinn: Shh! Just be quiet, the story's starting!

Mia: Aren't we in the story?

Firedjinn: Exactly! It's still in the prologue! Now SHH!

[Star Wars theme plays]

[It is a time of civil war. The Valean fleet, striking from a hidden base, have won the first victory against the evil Proxian Empire.]

[Music stops suddenly]

Menardi: I object to that. We're not evil... just [koff-koff] _determined_.

Firedjinn: Yeah, yeah, save it for the end of the scene.

Alex: I object also. I am NOT a proxian.

Firedjinn: End of the scene, as in AFTER THE OPENING CRAWL. Look, I had to change some stuff beyond 'Princess Jenna' and 'Golden Sun', to keep it from looking TOO much like the original stuff. So sorr-ee. Can we just get through the prologue without a fight?

Menardi: Ugh... whatever...

Alex: Hmm... I can wait, I suppose. Carry on.

Firedjinn: [Grumble grumble]

[Music resumes]

[During the battle, Valean spies managed to steal secret plans for the Empire's ultimate weapon, the GOLDEN SUN, an orb of alchemical energy with the power to destroy a planet. ]

Ivan: A... the... the Golden Sun?!

Firedjinn: Again, PLEASE leave it 'til AFTER the prologue. Otherwise, I may have to make another last-second casting change...

Ivan: R-right. Sorry to have b-bothered you! I'll just be going now.

[Pursued by the Proxians' sinister agents, Princess Jenna races home in her Lemurian starship, custodian of the stolen plans that will save her people and restore peace and freedom to the galaxy.]

[Music finishes]

Menardi: Can we complain now?

Firedjinn: No.

{END OF SCENE 2}

* * *

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE: BURNINATE!

Firedjinn: Hmm... note to self: do not let Jenna choose names for stuff.

I do NOT own Golden Sun or Star Wars; if I did... I would almost GUARANTEE Ahsoka Tano making a cameo in the upcoming seven, eight, or nine. In fact, she'd probably get a minor role in it at least. This is nowhere close to canon, never will be canon unless the original creators declare it so [and I doubt that would ever happen], and isn't supposed to be, either. It's FANFICTION, what do you want?

I gain nothing [monetary] from this except that it makes good script-writing practice and makes people laugh enough that I might get some reviews. And the latter is still variable.

Sheba: READ! AND! REVIEW! READ! AND! REVIEW!

Jenna: ENJOYYYYY!

I also don't own Phineas and Ferb, or Sailor Moon, or Pokémon. I'm not sure how Menardi managed to steal Isabella's catchphrase, but she did. Sorry. I also don't quite know how I borrowed one of Usagi's catchphrases, but that I'm less sorry about. It made sense at the time.

[Jenna's ships passes in front of the desert planet of Vaultooine...]

Saturos: [Watching the ship] They're almost in range. Ready?

Menardi: [Busy burning shreds of paper on the floor] Hm?

Saturos: Is that your script?

Menardi: Yep. Watcha doin'?

Saturos: Good question. [Brief silence] FIRE ON THE SHIP!

Firedjinn: Hey, wait WAIT _WAIT_! That's not in the script! You're supposed to use the tractor beam.

Menardi: [Scooches in front of the burning scripts so the author can't see them]

Saturos: Your point?

Firedjinn: Well, if you fire now there won't be a story! R2-D2 and C-3PO will get blown up and Luke will stay just a lowly farmboy while the Proxian Empire takes control of the galaxy and rules it with endless oppression!

Menardi: Isn't that what we're _trying_ to do?

Firedjinn: Um... that came out wrong...

Saturos: Come on you idiots, I said FIRE!

[Controls freeze up]

Menardi: What- Satty, are you okay?! What are you DOING to him?!

Firedjinn: Transform me into... a Jedi knight!

[A massive flash of light obscures everything for a moment, then Firedjinn reappears in Jedi robes, grinning madly.]

Firedjinn: [Flickery hand gesture] You will not shoot Jenna's ship... you will draw it in with your tractor beam...

Saturos: I will... not shoot Jenna's ship? What's a tractor beam?

Firedjinn: [Clears throat]

Saturos: I will not shoot Jenna's ship... I will draw it in with the tractor beam. Oi, you lot! Get a move on! Didn't you hear?! Change of plans, we're drawing it in with the tractor beam, whatever that is!

Menardi: What did you DO to him?!

Firedjinn: Nothing permanent.

Menardi: [Death glare]

[On Jenna's ship...]

Mia: This doesn't look good...

Sheba: Y' _think_?!

Jenna: Hold still! I'm trying to give you plans for the Alchemy Star... done!

Mia: The Alchemy what?

Jenna: Nevermind, just go!

Menardi: [From around corner] Hey, who's back there?

Jenna: Escape pod! _Now_!

Sheba: [Running in circles] What escape pod? Where?!

Jenna: The one on the wall? That one? [Points] Geez, you ARE a ditz sometimes.

Sheba: _What_ did you just call me?!

Menardi: What is going _on_ up there?

[Mia drags Sheba into the escape pod, the latter still protesting the whole 'ditz' comment.]

Menardi: [Cheerful] Saa-tty! I found the Prinnn-ceeesss!

Saturos: Stop calling me that. It's not... _manly_. Or evil.

Menardi: Whatever, _Satty_.

Jenna: [Quietly] Oh come on guys... find Isaac for me...

[She watches out one window as the pod spirals down towards Vaultooine.]

Saturos: Take to the cell block... we'll get her to talk, eventually... [ominous theme]

Jenna: "Ominous theme"? _Really_?

Firedjinn: Again, shut up.

Jenna: Hey, maybe _you_ should be the one to-

Firedjinn: Scene change!

[Inside the pod...]

Mia: Will Jenna be alright...?

Sheba: You're talking about the friend who can shoot fire out of her hands... and you're _worried_ about her?

Mia: Hmm... fair enough. If she doesn't make it out, though... [evil grin] ... then Isaac-chan will be _all mine_...

Sheba: Ermm...

[CRASH!]

Sheba: Owww...

Mia: We seem to have landed on Vaultooine.

Sheba: Yeah, I got that. [Stares suspiciously] You didn't have anything to do with this... _did you_?

Mia: Well, no. Unless you _needed_ that funny elbow-shaped part...

Sheba: Argh... Nevermind.

[Both girls glance around, climbing out of the rubble of the escape pod.]

Mia: We should go... this way.

Sheba: No, this way! There's a town this way, with people! And I need to find Felix Kenobi, and give him the message and plans for the Alchemy Star!

Mia: The what now?

Sheba: I have a mission. Anyway, civilization is thisaway!

Mia: No it isn't... it's highly unlikely, anyway...

Sheba: Is too.

Mia: And how do you know this?

Sheba: Just trust me. I _know_ deserts.

Mia: Riiight...

Sheba: Whatever. I'm heading this way. If you want to wander around and run out of power out here in the vast desert of a desert _planet,_ than you are more than welcome. Your choice! [Starts running]

Mia: [Glances around] H-hey! Wait up!

[Several hours later]

Mia: Again, how do you know where you're going?

Sheba: Why ask? I already told you before the divider.

Firedjinn: A-HEM! Do the words 'fourth wall' mean _anything_ to you?

Sheba: I mean, a few hours ago.

Mia: Well... it's not like you have a past of NOT getting lost in deserts. Felix found you wandering the Suhalla, didn't he?

Sheba: Th-that was DIFFERENT!

Mia: [Nothing]

Sheba: Mia?

Mia: [Still nothing]

Sheba: Miii-aaaaa...

[Wild JAWA uses a deactivator!]

[It's super effective!]

[MIA fainted!]

Sheba: What the...?!

[Mia is lying facedown in the sand, already incapacitated by the Jawas.]

Jawa: [Zaps Sheba]

Sheba: [Spark Plasma.]

Jawa: [Collapses in a heap of cloth.]

Sheba: [Poking Jawa] A mannequin... in a cape _nicked from the dress-up box_? Wow Firedjinn, you _are_ getting lazy with the props. What next, fake sand? [Glance around at "desert"]

Firedjinn: [From somewhere behind the scenes] Hey! Stop poking holes in everything!

Sheba: I'm not poking a hole in it, see? [Holds up cape] No holes.

Firedjinn: Ugh... not _that_ kind of hole...

Sheba: [Annoyingly cute smirk]

Firedjinn: Fine... Never mind... Anyway, you're supposed to be sold to the Skywalkers by those Jawas! You can't just Spark Plasma them!

Sheba: Yes I can.

Firedjinn: Aargh... Look, do you WANT to see Felix again?

Sheba: Yes!

Firedjinn: Well, Isaac [koffkoff*Luke*koffkoff] knows where Felix is. If you want Felix, you have to find Isaac.

Sheba: Why?

Firedjinn: Because that's how the story works.

Sheba: Well, this is a parody!

Firedjinn's Voice: Just get in the hold with the other droids.

Sheba: [Pouty face]

Firedjinn: Fine.

[Sheba skips gleefully into the hold and sits down, nice and quiet and _demure_.]

Sheba: WHAT?! I didn't do that!

Firedjinn: According the story _which I am writing_ , you did.

Sheba: [Sticks out her tongue as the Jawas awaken and begin driving away]

[Meanwhile, on a small farm _also_ on Tatooine...]

Kyle: Is that the Jawas? Sol knows we could use a few new droids...

Isaac: Hm? Droids? What are droids?

Mia: [Vibrating with energy] JUST REVIEW ALREADY! OTHERWISE WE WON'T CONTINUE AND I WON'T GET TO SEE MY ISAAC-CHAN! SUGAR WHEEEEEEE!

Firedjinn: [Behind the scenes again] Ok, who ate my ENTIRE candy stash?!

* * *

{END OF ACT ONE}

A Note To Readers: it might seem odd that each Scene has its own disclaimer. This is because the story was originally written to have each scene as its own chapter, rather than in Acts, and I decided it was funnier to leave the disclaimer sections in.

 


	2. ACT 2

{BEGIN ACT TWO}

ACT TWO, SCENE ONE - WHERE IS THE REBEL BASE?

I don't own Golden Sun or Star Wars! I'm not sure if I even own the name of this fanfic! This isn't canon and shouldn't be treated like it; I make no profit here except personal enjoyment and the fuzzy feeling of reading a positive review!

[Aboard the Alchemy Star - Interrogation Cell.]

Karst: Again... WHERE IS THE REBEL BASE?!

Firedjinn: Karst? What are you doing here?

Karst: What's it look like?! Tea with the princess?!

Firedjinn: Umm... yes?

Karst: [Looks down at tea tray nearby] No.

Firedjinn: Umm... so... aren't you supposed to be one of the Emperor's guards, not an interrogation officer?

Karst: Your point?

Saturos: A-HEM!

Karst: What.

Firedjinn: So as the Emperor's Guard, shouldn't you be, y'know, _guarding the emperor_?

Karst: Alex? Are you _kidding_?!

Firedjinn: Darth Va- *koff koff* I mean, Darth _Saturos_ and Puelle - Moff Tarkin, whatever - are supposed to be interrogating the princess. Not you.

Karst: Do I look like I care? Anyway, interrogation is FUN! I get to torture people!

Saturos: Move aside, I wanna try!

Karst: No way! She's MINE! [Shoots fire in his face]

Firedjinn: Eep! Um... guys, stop it! Don't make me use my magic author powers on you!

Karst: [Tries to set the author on fire and is suddenly teleported to the bathrooms several floors below]

Saturos: Finally... so one more time. WHERE IS THE REBEL BASE?!

Jenna: [Spits a tiny magma-ball in his face]

[Saturos screams like a two-year-old girl.]

Saturos: Hmm...hey, um... doesn't this ship have some kind of world-destroying laser on it?

Firedjinn: Ye-eeessss...?

Saturos: [To Jenna] What's your home planet?

Firedjinn: Yes... he's following the script for once...!

Jenna: Um... [Sit there thinking for about ten seconds]... Valederaan.

Saturos: Lock the targeting on the planet Valederaan... No, no, that's VAULTOOINE! I said VALEDERAAN! Alright, little closer... bit to the left... there!

Jenna: What are you doing?!

Saturos: Tell us where it is... or we blow up Valederaan. You have fifteen seconds.

[CREW]: Laser activation in 14... 13... 12... 11...

Firedjinn: You're supposed to tell him, y'know.

Jenna: Why?

[CREW]:.. 9... 8... 7...

Firedjinn: Your home planet's about to be destroyed. You HAVE to tell him.

Jenna: Uh... no I don't.

[CREW]: 6... 5... 4...

Firedjinn: Just come on... PLEEEAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEE...

Jenna: Oh, fine! I'll tell!

[Countdown pauses.]

Jenna: It's on... it's on... um...

Saturos: Do I need to restart the countdown?

Jenna: Umm... Firedjinn?

Firedjinn: Yeah?

Jenna: I forgot where it is.

Firedjinn + Saturos: [Facepalm]

Saturos: How did you forget _that_...?

Firedjinn: You're not kidding?

Jenna: Nope. I really forgot. But... [Evil twinkle]... _Firedjinn_ knows. Why don't you ask them? Where's _their_ home planet?

Firedjinn: The rebel base is on... er... [blushes furiously]

Jenna: What?!

Firedjinn: Just a sec... agh... oh, yeah! Now I remember!

Jenna: [sighs] What is it?

Firedjinn: Vaultooine.

Saturos: Good! RESUME COUNTDOWN!

Jenna: What?

[CREW]: 3... 2... 1... BOOM! [Exchanging high-fives]

[KKAAA - BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!]

Jenna: Woo-hoo! BIG BA-BOOM!

Firedjinn: Wha - Jenna! You're supposed to be the stoic, defiant princess watching in solemn silence as your home is turned to flames in space...

Jenna: Hey, it's not _Vale_! And I like exploding things! WOOO!

Firedjinn: Would you rather he blew up... Vale? Or New Vale?

Jenna: [Sweatdrop] Um... no sir!

Firedjinn: That's good... 'sir'... I like that...

Jenna: [Staring out the window] So pretty... like when I burn Felix's cape...

Firedjinn: Didn't you have a script?

Jenna: I burned it.

Firedjinn: YOU WHAT?!

Jenna: So did the Proxians. I think Saturos kept his for 'villainous inspiration' or something, though... and Sheba left hers outside the escape pod.

Firedjinn: Great... just great...

Karst: [From hallway] FIREDJINN! I WILL KILL YOU FOR THIS!

PLEASE REVIEW! I'd love some more feedback!

Isaac: Yeah, the author really seems to like it... maybe a little to much...

Firedjinn: Shut up.

Isaac: O-o;;; Okaaay... ?

{END OF ACT TWO, SCENE ONE}

* * *

ACT TWO, SCENE TWO: FEAR THE JENNA

I don't own Golden Sun or Star Wars, nor am I making any (monetary) profit(s) from writing silly stories about them and posting them online where ANYONE can read them. In case you don't quite understand how fanfiction works, this is NOT canon and should not be TREATED like canon. Thank you for reading!

I'm not really a Mudshipper or a Valeshipper. I try to be kinda neutral, and the same with my fanfics. Mia's inexplicable infatuation with Isaac here is not my idea but rather her erratic behavior as a muse, and inspired by the work of a Midnight C (?) story on a different archive. Which, to be fair, was the inspiration for most of this fic in the first place.

And yes, I am aware that Princess Leia's hologram was originally blue. However, Jenna is a Mars Adept so I changed it to suit her element. She may or may not have threatened me (in muse form) to Serpent Fume my head if I left the hologram blue.

[On a small farm on Vaultooine]

Isaac: Hey, I see 'em!

Jawas: [Hollering]

Sheba: [Opening one eye] What the...?

Mia: Isaac...? Wait-wait-wait, is that Isaac!? ISAAC-CHAN! IT'S ME, MIA!

Sheba: I thought this was a shipping-neutral fanfic.

Mia: I like Isaac! Is there something wrong with that?!

Sheba: Um.. you're a droid?

Mia: So?!

Sheba: Ugh... never mind.

Isaac: Cool, an astromech droid!

Sheba: Huh?

Mia: He means you, I think. [Sudden look of horror] Ack! He's not even looking at me! Isaac-chan, over here!

Sheba: Here we go again...

Kyle: Hmm, that R4 unit looks nice...

Sheba: Um... hey? Over here?

Kyle: So... what's that R4 gonna cost...?

Sheba: You... you dare ignore me? [begins shooting sparks]

[R4 unit begins shaking, then short-circuits due to Sheba's forming Destruct Ray]

Kyle: What... [turns to Jawas] ... you knew that thing was breaking down, didn't you? You were trying to scam me into buying some trash-pile of -

Isaac: Wait - there's an R2 over there! See, Dad? We could get that one instead.

Sheba: [Whispering] Yes!

Kyle: Fine... we'll take that one, and the red protocol droid.

Mia: R- _red_ protocol droid?!

Red Protocol Droid: Oh, the joy! I am to be sold at last!

Mia: No! I'm supposed to be - my Isaac-chan is - I'm the droid he's supposed to buy!

RPD [Red Protocol Droid]: Excuse me?

Mia: [Creepy stare] I'll find a way to join them...

RPD: Er...

[Mia drags the Red Protocol Droid behind the Jawas' vehicle and grabs a bucket of red paint while Kyle and Isaac are distracted by haggle with Jawas over the price of both droids]

RPD: What- what _are_ you _doing_?!

Mia: [Casts Frost]

RPD: [Frozen solid] Ng... ktktkt...

Mia: [Gulps, lifts bucket of paint] Why does it have to be red...? I could handle blue... I like blue... [steely expression] I have to! For ISAAC-CHAN! [Dumps paint all over herself]

[Mia emerges just as the Skywalkers notice their new droid is missing. Thankfully, Kyle's a tad short-sided and can't tell the difference between a red protocol droid and Mia doused in red paint.]

Kyle: Ah, there you are! What's your designation again?

Mia: Erm... Mia! I mean um... C-3PO! Or maybe Mia-3PO?

Kyle: Never mind, I'll just call you Mia. Isaac, grab the R2 unit, will ya?

Isaac: [Staring at Mia]

Kyle: ISAAC!

Isaac: Uh - Right, right! [Grabs Sheba... in just the wrong place...]

Sheba: [Zaps him... painfully. Kyle is oblivious.]

[At the farmhouse...]

Kyle: Oi, Isaac! I'm going out to the field. Auntie Dora's in the kitchen if you need anything, but before you go off with those crazy friends of yours...

Isaac: Aw...

Kyle: ... I need you to clean up and fix those two droids. I don't want one breaking down like that R4, and you know those Jawas'll do almost anything to sell stuff.

Isaac: Okay... [grumbles]

Kyle: Good! See ya soon! [leaves]

Isaac: What... is this...? [rubs the holo-projector with a cleaning cloth]

Mia: [Waits until Isaac isn't looking and silently moves behind him]

Isaac: Hm...

Mia: [Whispering] Hello... Isaac...

Isaac: GAH! [Jumps up and turns to see Mia] What the heck?!

Sheba: [Using mind-speech] Mia... he's _supposed_ to be checking the holo-projector and finding that message from Jenna!

Mia: [Thinking] WHAT?! A MESSAGE FROM _JENNA_?!

Sheba: [Cringes]

Mia: There is no way in Hel I'm helping him get that message!

Sheba: Mia!

Isaac: [Backing slowly away from the two droids] Um... Dora...?

Sheba: I've gotta do everything myself, don't I?! [Switches projector on]

[A shimmery red hologram appears, showing Princess Jenna. See above note if you're wondering about the color.]

Jenna's Hologram: Get over here and help me out, Felix.

Felix's Hologram: [In the background] Felix _Kenobi_!

Jenna's Hologram: Fine. Get over here and help me out, Felix _Kenobi_ , or I'll roast your head.

Sheba, Mia and Isaac: O_o;;;

Jenna's Hologram: What? Was I too _nice_?

Firedjinn's Hologram: [Appearing in the background and tapping Jenna on the shoulder] Um...

Felix's Hologram: [Hiding behind Firedjinn] Sis... you're scary...

Firedjinn' Hologram: Don't you mean, 'you're my only hope'?

Jenna's Hologram: I mean what I say. If he doesn't get his butt over here AS SOON AS HE GETS THIS MESSAGE, I WILL seek him out so I can - [Rest of message is censored to remain within the K+ rating]

Felix's Hologram: Er... I'll just turn this off now...

[Hologram flickers out]

Isaac: [Staring at Sheba] Well that was weird. What's _in_ there, anyw-

Sheba: [Zaps him. Hard.]

Isaac: Ow... [casts Potent Cure]

Sheba: [Glaring daggers at Isaac] Do not touch me there... EVER.

Isaac: Okay... [gulp] ... sorry?

Sheba: Good enough... [glares again] ... for now.

Mia: Hey, you leave my Isaac-chan alone!

Isaac: I-...Isaac-chan? Mia, what are you-

Mia: Um, I mean, _Isaac_! Just Isaac. Really!

Isaac: All right...

[Brief silence]

Sheba: So... do you know Felix Kenobi?

{END OF ACT TWO, SCENE TWO}

Jenna: Review this story, and I might just let these Proxians live!

Firedjinn: Jenna, shut up.

Jenna: But I'm one of your muses!

Firedjinn: And I can fire you.

Jenna: Ooh... fire!

Firedjinn: As in, make you not my muse anymore.

Jenna: But you need me for this fanfiction!

Firedjinn: Aargh... how do I get stuck with _these_ muses?

* * *

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE: RETURN OF THE FOURTH WALL

I don't own Golden Sun or Star Wars or Dungeons and Dragons, I make no monetary profit (only the joy of writing and the writing/comedy skills gained), and this is not canon.

Jenna: If you don't tell me where this cannon is really soon, I'll-

Firedjinn: As you can see, not everyone here even knows what canon IS...

This is not meant to be canon and (unless for some inexplicable reason both Camelot and Lucasfilm want to use this as a derivative work of some sort) it will never become canon. Please ignore any comments by my muses if they say otherwise.. Thank you!

Jenna: No, really! Firedjinn owns Golden Sun! [Holds up cartridge] See? And Star Wars, and Dungeons and Dragons! [Waves DVDs and DM's manual around]

Firedjinn: Ignore her, please. And... enjoy!

Alex: Why haven't I appeared yet?

Firedjinn: Shh! It's starting!

Felix: Hmph... all those parts, and I'm picked to be the crazy old hermit guy...

* * *

[Where we last left off with our heroes...]

Sheba: So... do you know Felix Kenobi? [Glances up] And what's with all the drama all of a sudden?

Firedjinn: A-HEM! Fourth wall?

Sheba: Right, right. Isaac?

Isaac: ... Wait - wait a sec. Felix _Kenobi_?

Mia: Weird, right? I haven't got a _clue_ what she means. All through the desert, she kept babbling about some mission to find this _person_...

Isaac: I sort of know someone by that name... Garcia Kenobi, the crazy old hermit dude who lives in the canyon.

Sheba: Old?

Isaac: [Whispers] I'm trying to stay in character! [Normal voice] Yeah. Old.

Sheba: Guess it _could_ be him...

Isaac: Let's go, then!

Mia: But... wait! [Glances at script] Aren't you... aren't you supposed to... Isaac-chan!

Isaac: [Already leaving]

Firedjinn: Has EVERYONE forgotten the script?! There's more to the message!

Mia: [Clears throat]

Firedjinn: Well, maybe not you, but -

[The room is already empty. The sound of a starting engine wafts into the quiet space...]

Mia: Hey, WAIT UP! [Chases the Speeder]

Isaac: Ack! Scary droid! [Speeds up]

Mia: NOOOO!

Isaac: [Still accelerating] Eep!

Firedjinn: Why is this so familiar...?

Isaac: Heck if I know!

Mia: You won't... get... away from... ME! [Grabs on to the back of the speeder]

Isaac: Ahh! Getitoffgetitoffgetitoffgetitoff!

Mia: Isaac! ^_^

[Later, in the desert]

Isaac: Hmm... I think we're pretty close.

Sheba: So, have you ever actually _been_ to his house?

Isaac: Weeellll...

Sheba: You haven't, have you.

Isaac: Nope, Never. But it can't be _that_ much farther, can it?

[Speeder slows down]

Isaac: What-?

Mia: [Climbs into the back and pounces on Isaac] Isaac-chan!

Isaac: [Flailing and thrashing wildly] AGGH A SAND-PERSON GETITOFFGETITOFFGETIT-

Mia: It's just me, and I'm no 'it'!

Sheba: You _did_ jump on him.

Mia: [Glances around] Oops... you're right. I'm sorry Isaac! [Smiles]

Isaac: [Looks up] Oh. Mia. You're still pretty scary. [Shivers]

Mia: [Glares]

Isaac: Um.. I mean - not scary! No, very nice, not scary at all! Please stop looking at me like that...

Mia: Apology accepted!

[A sand-person appears a short ways off, hiding.]

Sheba: Hey, um... guys?

[Isaac and Mia both ignore her]

Sheba: Guuuys...

[Still ignoring her. The sand-person readies their weapon.]

Sheba: ISAAC THAT SAND-PERSON IS ABOUT TO SHOOT YOUR HEAD OFF!

Isaac: Wait, what?!

[Sand-person throws something at them]

Mia: [Freezes the thrown object in midair. Isaac backs slowly away.]

Sand-person: [Unintelligible stuff muffled by mask]

Mia: I can't understand that...

Sheba: [Rolling her eyes] Aren't you supposed to be the _hero_ , Isaac?

Isaac: [Hiding behind the speeder] Um... this is just taking cover!

Mia: [Freezes the sand-person] All clear!

[Isaac, Sheba, and Mia all creep over to the frozen sand-person.]

Sheba: Is it... dead? Mia?

Mia: I don't know, don't look at me! I just froze it!

Sand-person: [Grunts and twitches]

Sheba: Eek! [Jumps back]

Mia: [Uses Parch and somehow melts the ice and evaporates it]

Isaac: [Staring] How... when did you learn _that_?

Mia: Oh, I picked up a couple spells over time. You don't know everything I can do.

Sheba: [Quietly] You mean you learned it from Piers.

Isaac: [Not hearing her] Do you have any _idea_ how much time we coulda saved if you used that earlier?! All those stupid Altin Mine puzzles and that flooded cave under Vault...!

Mia: I didn't know it then.

Isaac: [Facepalm]

[By now, the sand-person has already sat up and is watching them. It flails as if trying to say something, but flailing doesn't work very well.]

Sheba: What is that, DnD flavor text?

Firedjinn: [Offstage] Sheba, what did we agree about reading descriptive text on the page?

Sheba: Um... nothing?

Firedjinn: Oh, wait - wrong revision - anyway... I don't own DnD, okay! I really don't! Please don't sue! [Vanishes]

Sheba: Well that was weird... [Sand-person grabs her leg] Eep!

Sand-Person: [Clinging to Sheba's leg] MpphMFFFF mffMFFmffmff! Mmmm?

Sheba: Ugh... [Summoning up some Psynergy]... _Whirlwind_...

Sand-Person: MFF! [Gets blown away and crashes into a tree]

Sheba: Yeesh... annoying. [Lightbulb appears over her head] Wait, should we - hey, what's with the effects?

Firedjinn's Disembodied Voice: Hey, a little gentler on the fourth wall! I went offscreen to try and rebuild it, and now you're breaking it again!

Sheba: Says the one who's been breaking it since the first act.

Firedjinn: Well... can we stop breaking it now? Or at least keep it to a minimum? I know some people don't like all this wall-breaking business...

Isaac: Consider it done.

[Both girls give him an odd look]

Isaac: What?

Mia: Ah, nevermind.

Sheba: So... Firedjinn? [No response] Author...? _Firedjinn?_

[Long pause]

Sheba: Whoa. That weirdo really means it, huh?

Sand-Person: Does that mean we're without a narrator now?

Isaac: GACK! [Pause] Wait... what?

Mia: Ivan?

Ivan: Yep. [Grins]

Isaac: Why?

Ivan: The author wasn't letting me in to the story, so I let myself in as an extra. Do you mind?

Mia: Not really...

Isaac: Um... if we're done here, can we just get back into the speeder and keep going with the story?

[Everyone more or less agrees, and the four climb into the speeder. Isaac starts it up, and off they go...]

[In Firedjinn's imaginary room...]

Firedjinn: Hmm... not bad. Self-directed, mostly on-script. This might actually work.

Menardi: [Huffs] Well, I haven't gotten _any_ screentime yet, so I wouldn't call it _working_.

Firedjinn: Hey, you get in soon enough! The stormtroopers show up around the Mos Eisley, and we're almost at Kenobi's place by now...

Felix: Yeah, _about that_...

Firedjinn: Don't tell me: you forgot your script, too. Or Jenna burned it.

Felix: I lost the costume.

Firedjinn: [Completely unsurprised] Yeah, go call Kraden. Tell him he's being moved up from understudy.

Felix: You got _Kraden_ into the play?

Firedjinn: Yep. I mean, I had to find some outlet for him before he talked my ears off in here, so I gave him a minor role.

Kraden: [Somewhere in the background] Well, Jenna, the lightsaber are powered by special crystal, and the crystal are alternately called "lightsaber crystals" or Ilium crystals, most likely coming from the root mean "light" or, in a more familiar version of the word - for the english language, anyway - "Illuminate". Their name may also come from the place where they are found and harvested, which -

Jenna: All right, all right! Remind me not to ask you how lightsabers work again!

[Meanwhile, amongst Jawas... ]

Red Protocol Droid: [Sparking] Ah... I have suffered a great loss... my buyers have left without me!

R5 Unit: [Beeps and burbles]

RPD: No, I am NOT melodramatic!

* * *

Firedjinn: Reeeeeviiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww!

 


	3. ACT 3

{BEGIN ACT THREE}

ACT THREE, SCENE ONE: CASTING MUSICAL CHAIRS

I don't own Golden Sun or Star Wars, I make no monetary profit [only the joy of writing and the writing/comedy skills gained] from writing this, and this is not canon. Just in case you wondered about any of that.

* * *

[A speeder pulls up to Obi-Wan's little home...]

Isaac: [Glances at the map] Guys... did we go the wrong way?

Sheba: [Glancing over his shoulder] Nope. You're holding the map upside-down. Seriously, can you even read a map?

Isaac: Er...

Mia: Well no _wonder_ we kept getting lost in Angara! Honestly, why didn't you just hand the map to Garet, or Ivan, or... or me!

Isaac: [Completely red in the face]

[Kraden bursts out of the tiny building]

Kraden: Hello! Here already? I could have sworn my script mentioned a fight with the Sand People, in which I was meant to help you by fighting off one of them, and - my goodness, why are there four of you?

Isaac:... There aren't.

Kraden: No, no, no - there are only supposed to be three of you! What in Weyard is Ivan doing with you lot; his cue is much later, by a dozen chapters _at least_!

Ivan: _Cloak_. [Nothing happens] _Cloak!_ [Still nothing. He glances up.] Oh... too sunny. Darn.

Kraden: He'll have to leave, I'm afraid. Can't have four people here. I'm sure the author will agree.

[A large banner drops on Kraden's head, reading "Leave the fourth wall alone, please"]

Kraden: Oh! Well, that's a problem, now isn't it! There aren't supposed to be four people here, and yet there are. And I can't get help, either... very much a problem.

Ivan: Hey, maybe you could let me stay? It wouldn't mess up the story that much, would it? I promise not to get in the way or anything!

Sheba: You sound like one of Felix's djinn.

Ivan: Do not! Anyway, _please_ won't you let me stay? It's supposed to be a parody anyway, so what if it doesn't match the original?

Kraden: Ah, it seems you have a rather valid point. Isaac, are you okay with him coming along?

Isaac: Yes. [A moment's pause] Wow, deja vu. Anyway, let's get on with this.

Kraden: Ah, yes! I have this. [He hands Isaac the Gaia Blade.] It belonged... to your father.

Isaac: What?

Kraden: [whispering] _It's part of the story._

Isaac: Oh. Okay...

Ivan: It's not a laser?

Kraden: Well... no. That wouldn't make much sense, now would it?

[Awkward silence. Sheba wisely chooses not to explain lightsabers to him or poke holes in his inconsistency.]

Sheba: WELL, I guess we should be going then! Come on now!

Kraden: [Nods] Yes. I'll come with you.

Sheba: [Murmuring] Not again...

Isaac: C'mon! I heard there's an inn at the nearest town... with some pilots, too!

[Firedjinn's secret lair]

Firedjinn: Felix, you realize you'll have to do _something_ in this fic, right?

Felix: Like what? And... did you just break the fourth wall by having a chapter here?

Firedjinn: I'm explicitly mentioning this is in Author-land. That's somewhere else, not part of the story, so we aren't _breaking_ the fourth wall. Just standing next to it. From the other side.

Felix: I think I lost track of that metaphor after the "Author-land" part.

Piers: [Flipping through the script] Wait... I shoot Greedo _first_? What kind of immoral creature do you take me for?

Felix: I'd do it. If I had to.

Piers: Well, I wouldn't. Bounty hunter or no...

Firedjinn: Hmm... [gasps] I have an idea!

Piers: Oh dear... [shakes his head]... that can't be good...

Firedjinn: Right! Piers, Felix - you switch roles!

Felix: Wha-

Piers: Didn't Felix quit?

Firedjinn: Well, to clarify: Felix is now playing Han Solo, and Piers can be... um... some side character. Details later. [Han Solo's script appears in Felix's hands]

Felix: Huh... [skims through it] ... Okay. You've got a deal. [pauses] But do I really have to share a room with Garet in a Wookie costume?

[Tatooine. A speeder cruise towards the Mos Eisley spaceport, flying low and encumbered due to the weight of five people.]

Kraden: We're almost hee-erre!

Mia: Well... aren't you cheerful.

Ivan: Twenty-three waters of life on a wall, twenty-three waters of life! If one of those bottles should happen to fall - [Sheba zaps him] - Ow... There'd be... twenty-two... waters of l- [Zapped again] Fine, fine!

Mia: You all right? [Sheba glares at her] You still zapped him. That's gotta hurt!

Sheba: [Rolls eyes, sighs dramatically] I just wa - Hey, I did NOT sigh "dramatically"!

[A strange nigh-invisible wall in front of Sheba splinters and cracks]

Sheba: Great. Visual puns.

Isaac: I'd ignore that wall if I were you... just pretend like it's not there, okay?

Ivan: Yeah... I think it's the fourth wall.

[The speeder cruises into the edge of the spaceport. Kraden somehow parks it in an impossibly small space and everyone climbs out over the surrounding vehicles and to the ground.]

Isaac: I guess we should get going...

Kraden: Well, come along then! Plenty to see! Just hope no bounty hunters have heard of you lot [gestures to Mia, Sheba, and Ivan] and you'll be fine!

Ivan: Why me? I'm not even a main character in this story... I think.

Kraden: Well, maybe not you. But they'll be wondering where you came from, at the least, and if they -

Sheba: We get it.

[The little band wanders out into the chaos of Mos Eisley's general surrounding area. A stormtrooper appears at the edges of the crowd and spots them instantly.]

Menardi: Hey, aren't you the-

Kraden: _These are not the droids you are looking for_. _Move along_.

Menardi: Huh?

Kraden: _These are not the droids you are loo-_

Menardi: Let me see them. Now!

Mia: Uh...

Sheba: Eh heh... uh-oh.

Menardi: [Whispering something incomprehensible into a radio transmitter. Well, not really radio, but let's call it that for now.]

Isaac: [To Kraden] That was supposed to make her leave, wasn't it.

Kraden: Well... ah... to put it in very simplified wording and with as much brevity as possible...

Sheba: Just spit it out.

Kraden: Er... Yes.

Isaac: Yep. We're screwed.

[In the bar which Isaac and co. still have yet to reach...]

Felix: When do you think they'll be here?

Garet: [Funny roaring noises]

Felix: Um... Eroooowuouwwrourw?

Garet: Er _oouu_ wuouwwrourw.

Felix: [Facepalm] I give up.

{END ACT THREE SCENE ONE}

Sheba: Review are always nice... especially when mind-tricks don't work.

Kraden: _You will review this story... you will post feedback... you will review this story... you will post feedback_

Firedjinn: o_o

* * *

ACT THREE, SCENE TWO: MOS EISLEY AT LAST

I don't own Golden Sun or Star Wars, I make no monetary profit [only the joy of writing and the writing/comedy skills gained!] from writing this, and this is not canon. Just in case you wondered about any of that.

Oh, and another thing - I don't speak Wookie. If I completely mangled the language here [or my approximation of it], and you notice, you are welcome to correct me. Just please be nice.

Note: Dialogue in {curly brackets} is telepathic communication.

* * *

Karst: [Over radio] Wait.. so you actually didn't... the mind-tricky-stuff didn't affect you?

Menardi: Mind-tricky-what?

Isaac: [Mumbling] Jedi mind-tricks...

Menardi: Umm... thanks?

Isaac: No prob. I guess...

Menardi: [Resumes ignoring him] Yes, it didn't affect me.

Karst: Well, yay for you, Sis! Just wish it was me, then I could broil Isaac's- [Message is suddenly cut off.]

Menardi: What was _that_ for?

Isaac: [Shrugs] Something about the rating system.

Menardi: Right... get over here!

Ivan: Run!

Mia: What?

[Kraden takes off after Ivan, in clear agreement. Isaac and Mia join them. The group hurries into the Mos Eisley Cantina. Loud music plays as if welcoming them, but no one pays the odd party any mind. They have other things to worry about besides some overly talkative old guy, two droids, and a couple of kids.]

Isaac: So, should we-

[Strange voices filter across the fourth wall]

Firedjinn: Well, _Darth Saturos_ , if you actually burnt all the scripts on the ship...

Saturos: Menardi did it!

Menardi: [Over radio] Did not! It was him!

Saturos: Well -

Firedjinn: _And_ you insist on taking up excess space in the story, and claimed to be more awesome than anyone else in this fic - it took me HOURS to delete all that ranting, you know! Not to mention what future me'll have to do for the sake of anonym-

Saturos: I never said that stuff! KARST DID IT!

Firedjinn: I heard you. And you said it. Karst was locked a closet making death threats at the time. [Notices that Isaac, Mia, Ivan, Sheba, and Kraden are all listening.] Okay, it was a weird long story which I don't have time for in one chapter; don't ask.

Saturos: Well, I still can't be fired!

Firedjinn: Only because I don't want to fire you yet.

Saturos: Ah, so you can fire me... but you don't want to. I'm cooler than I thought!

Firedjinn: BUT I have my significant reasons to keep you in this story.

Saturos: Those being?

Firedjinn: I really could use someone to play Greedo.

Saturos: Who?

Firedjinn: Um... it's only a few lines. But soon, really soon! I just need to close the interdimensional portal first - can't give the protagonists any spoilers!

[The strange link through the fourth wall closes, and the cantina music and chatter takes its place once more.]

Ivan: Hmm...

Isaac: Hey, guys... Felix is right over...

[Felix is nowhere to be seen]

Isaac: ... there? Where'd he go?

[Isaac earns a collective shrug from the rest of the party.]

Isaac: Felix? Garet? Guys?

Garet: Arrouhwuuh!

Mia: ...Garet? Are you alright?

Garet: Awoou-woa.

Mia: Um...

Ivan: I'm guessing that's Wookie speech. [Uses Mind Read] Yep. He says he's just fine.

Felix: So you need a pilot? I'd say Piers is best for that...

Sheba: I doubt he's forgotten that time we crashed the Lemurian ship into a lighthouse...

Isaac: Wait, what?

Sheba: Jupiter Lighthouse. Long story; don't ask.

Felix: It wasn't _my_ fault... [Sheba glares] Well, okay...sort of, but... [trails off, mumbling]

[Awkward pause.]

Kay: HEY! WAIT!

Felix: Huh?

Garet: Awaaaogh - what? [Yanks off Wookie mask] Kay, what are you-

Kay: [Stilted reading from script] We don't serve _their_ kind in here! [points to Mia and Sheba] They'll have to go outside!

Mia: Is that supposed to be... sexist or something?

Kay: Uh...ah... [Frantically re-reads the script in silence] It's actually because... you two are playing... droids, right? The bar doesn't allow droids. And - hey, what's this about a lightsaber fight?

[A hooded figure waves at the group and suddenly throws a sword at Isaac.]

Isaac: What the- [dodges the sword] What was _that_ all about?!

Mia: [Smashes the intruder over the head with the Tungsten Mace which she pulled out of nowhere] ALEX!

Alex: Um... [Looks very sheepish now as he realizes what's going on. And that he's probably drunk, too.]

Mia: Get. Out. Of. This. Cantina.

Alex: [Runs for his life from the raging, very scary-looking Mia]

Mia: Better?

Isaac: I guess... [glances at the mace rather nervously]

Mia: Good.

Kay: I... uh... I... [sighs] Okay, forget the story for a sec. _Who_ is that guy and _WHAT_ is he doing here?!

Ivan: Er... I'm with them.

Sheba: [Facepalm] That's really the best explanation you could think of?

Ivan: Does it work?

Kay:... ... ...

Ivan: {What is she doing?}

Kay: ... ... ... [glances at script, then back at Ivan, then back at script] ... ... ...

Sheba: {I have no idea. Mind Read?}

Kay: ... ... ...

Ivan: {Sure.}

Kay: Right, you get one chance. I'll pretend I didn't see you here. But if you get caught again, no guarantees.

Sheba: {Scratch that.}

Ivan: {Alright.}

Kay: Well?

Ivan: {I said yes.}

Kay: Are you even listening?

Ivan: {Yes!}

Kay: JUST ANSWER ALREADY!

Ivan: {But I said-}

Sheba: [Rolls eyes, taps head] {She can't hear mind-speech, idiot!}

Ivan: Ah... yes. Sorry. [Scurries off] Be back in the next scene!

Isaac: Er... how?

Ivan: PLOT HOLE! [Leaves stage]

[Pause]

Kay: So... uh...drinks?

{END OF ACT THREE SCENE TWO}

* * *

Firedjinn: I'm sure you all get it by now, but please review!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... and here's where I stopped writing. If you made it to the end, I commend you. Hopefully you got a good laugh out of it, at least.


End file.
